REFLECTIONS

This year has flown by.  After my reflections six months ago, I have reaffirmed my belief that the life of an instructor is not one that I can follow.  It takes strength to say 'I am not good enough' and be happy with it. I am not a failure, though it is something I had to look at and reject.  I am just not a spring chicken anymore and was not financially born with a golden spoon! Both Jack and I have been beset by illness this year.  Firstly, Jack had a respiratory infection in May. This was minor in nature, but we had to slow things down. At the same time I was diagnosed with bursitis in my hip joint. This is a very painful condition that is usually chronic.  Jack then once again fell ill a few weeks ago.  This for me was quite life affirming.  I thought that my beautiful golden orange friend was going to leave me.  I have experienced a lot of loss in my life but this was the most scary feeling that I have ever faced.  I love my friends and my family, but this horse has helped me find myself. He has always been my mirror of my emotions and who I truly was. Not the facade so many see on a daily basis.  He was this frightened, hurt, abused creature that would trust no one, let no one near enough to cause him harm.  He was also gentle, desperate to be loved and cared for, but too scared to take the step to let anyone in as that may betray a weakness.  He was me. And as I learned to love and trust him, he learned to return that love and trust.  He is the reason I get up every day. He puts the smile on my face, and he has also shown me that it is ok to let others in.  That if you are open you can find people who care and who are worthy to be called friends (you know who you are). Jack appears to be fully recovered now, and I have had time to reflect.  I am making some lifestyle changes which will include more time with him.  This would have been the main obstacle if I took the road to become a professional.  Jack would have at some stage been left behind and that is not acceptable to me.  He is the reason I am making this journey and therefore that road is not one I wish to follow.  There are many other paths to take, many of which will fulfil me just the same, and that we can do together. We have lots of goals ahead.  We have crossed the bridge into our first dressage competition and there will be so many more.  We have  plans to get out and about to see new places, to learn and to grow.  Who better to share that with, than my best friend. He has changed almost unrecognisably this last year. He is confident and happy in most situations. He is enjoying life, and feels safe no matter where we are as long as I am around. Quite frankly I feel the same. How lucky am I that we have each other!

DIFFERENT BRANCHES IN THE ROAD

A journey has different branches in the road

As the date approaches when I was supposed to be going on my 1* instructors course, I am reflecting on how I feel.  At first when I found out that the prerequisites had changed, I felt a wealth of emotions and not all of them positive.  Confused, let down, angry, defeated were but some.  It wasn't until later and I made the decision to pull out for this year, that I felt a cloud of pressure lift off me and felt relief, and an inner peace that this is just not the right time.

The last few months have been on fast forward. I must do this, I must do that.  Not only towards the instructors but also with getting jack used to new environments, getting us both out and used to the horsebox, having my lessons with biomechanics and working on riding improvements and my finesse, getting my online audition in the bag.  All alongside working, running a home, and supporting my family. 

Suddenly I could slow down a little, and put my relationship with Jack back where it should be. As the fog cleared I realised that I have been pushing Jack and he had become more distant, and he wasn't the only casualty of my direct line.  My poor husband hadn't seen me apart from a grumpy one hour of each day if he was lucky.  I stopped making so many efforts to spend time or see my children, and I had had no time for friends or some social life.  

Over the last couple of weeks Jack and I are progressing again and he is offering so much more because I am asking. Time is still in short supply but I am making efforts to be in touch with people and if I get invites out, I go, whereas I had gone a bit reclusive.  I am rethinking what to do about work.  I need to have more time for me and I wish to reduce my hours, but it needs to be balanced and I am not going to rush into anything.

Jack and I are now going out to new environments and as I become less frantic and time pressured, he becomes calmer and more responsive. I am obviously a better herd leader that way.  I find people still come to me for help and advice, and no matter what qualification I have, if any, that will still happen.  I must be doing something right, because people listen to my knowledge and allow me to help them with their horses.  That won't change.  Most Importantly, the horses look to me, and I love getting results with horses that before I lay my hands on them, are pushy, or lack manners, or have fear issues.  That won't change either.  

I still have the opportunity to follow this path, and just wait another year or even two if that is what it takes. Or maybe as I travel along my journey, it may branch into a different direction altogether.  Who knows? What I am sure of, is that I made the right decision, and that the time for me is not there yet.  Jack is happy and I have plans to do some things with him and some without, to ensure I keep my life in the balance that it should be.  So on Monday when the new instructors are sitting in the classroom ready to take the next leg of their adventure, I wish them well with a smile in my heart, and maybe one day, just maybe it will be my turn.  Or maybe, we will just continue to be an inspiration for others to show just how good your relationship can be when you take the time it takes.

Moving forward......

It has been a long time since I have needed to write a personal blog due to my daily updates on Parelli Connect and my contributions to Parelli Central.  However, it has been a while since I visited my personal space about my aspirations.....

The last few months have been quite a trial.  Juggling family, work and of course my needs to achieve a dream of a career with horses.  Not to mention to keep striving for improvement in my partnership with Jack, who has no room for inept humans that can't keep up with his endless energy.  

After Fast Track last year, it opened a can of worms inside me that I had never addressed.  I am very rightly a right brained extrovert just like the lovely 
Jack, but I have never truly tried to understand myself let alone my wealth of emotions.  When I started to look at my life and how certain things got in my way due to the barriers I placed myself things started to fall down.  I stopped coping and I just about held it together in the 'real world'.  When the doors closed I fell apart and through persuasion I sought professional help.

I have to admit I never thought psychotherapy would be for 'normal' people.  I never knew how cleansing it would be to talk about my childhood, my alcoholic mother, the years of abuse from my step father, how I felt when my mum committed suicide, to name but a few of my trials ......  How it made me realise I didn't always have to be strong, how I didn't have to people please all the time, to have friends and be liked.  It helped me find an inner strength and to push forward to grab what I want, be a little bit selfish every now and then, and of course aim high for my goal and be happy to chase my dream.

I am now at a threshold.  I told Ian my husband that this is what I wanted and he was either with me, or I would stride out on my own.  To have the confidence to say this, was an eye opener for me.  It isn't that I don't place value on my marriage, but I needed to know he was behind me all the way. Of course he was, why did I ever doubt it?

So already this year I have signed up and committed a large sum of money, or rather credit, to become an instructor.  I also invested in a horse box.  One of the few items that I didn't own, but I needed to get over the obstacle of Jack loading, or rather not loading.  In a short time we are making good progress.  I also need to get my level three. So I have started to progress my riding with True and Josette so that I can have the nerve to jump again.  That freestyle audition will happen!  Liberty is where Jack and I shine so that is no problem.  I am in the midst of my online audition but we both have a bit of stage fright, but we have a few weeks to get there.

In the words of my husband....'I am so glad you have had Jack, he makes you so happy'.......how lucky am I to have found such a special partner....or should I say partners?  Sometimes you need to dust off the old to get on with the new....

Playing with Circles

Playing with circles I have learned a valuable lesson which I wish to share. We often recite the values of Parelli, and we know we should take the time it takes, and we are looking to out principles to purpose, and it is often said that most do not spend nearly enough time on getting things right. We are probably all guilty at one time or another of being too direct line, putting our needs before the horse and not looking after the relationship as much as we should.

One afternoon I was excited that I had a whole afternoon free. No rush, no other plans, completely Jack time. I had a structure of what I wanted to play with. Went into the school and set up some blocks to practice my weave and change of direction, a nice big jump for jack to do some squeeze and be a bit more provocative. A hula hoop to play some games with. Prior and proper preparation….tick!

Brought Jack in from the field, and headed for the school. He was high headed and snorty, but I figured I would be provocative and get his mind in no time. Well I set off with my play session, jump this, squeeze over that, go round that….well he was doing everything I asked. But something was missing. Yes he was listening, yes he was doing, but he wasn’t connected with me. That is another analogy you hear about the seven games. It isnt about doing them, it is about why you do them. Can you ask yourself why you are asking your horse to do something. What really is that purpose in your mind? As I delve into a deeper place within my horsemanship this is something I keep asking myself, and if I don’t know, then should I be doing it?

As I was DOING the seven games, I stopped and remembered something I learned in the fast track. How much value Pat puts on the circling game. Not just to give the horse responsibilities, but to show things up for what they are. Just like everything I do now, I am striving for excellence. In some places it goes well, in others we have a really really long way to go. I didn’t have excellence. Jack was distracted, and just going through the motions. So what was missing? What was I looking to achieve and how was I going to achieve it. Well my initial plan was to get my weave and change of direction better. But what MUST the horse have to be in a learning frame of mind? Jack wasn’t particularly calm, he had no standstill whatsoever! He was being obedient, but not motivated…..

So, my decision was that I was going to put him out on a circle to see what showed up. He maintained his responsibility ok, but he was very distracted still, tense through his back, head high and looking to the outside, he wasn’t circling, it was oval. Then I looked further. His nostrils were flared, his breathing fast, his mouth tight, his footfalls erratic. Not the picture a student seeking excellence would accept. So I decided that he would stay out on the circle until I got what I wanted. I set trot as our gait and I remained neutral. I wasn’t going to be particular about him breaking gait, this was about a picture I had in my head about how I wanted my horse to look. I knew what I was doing and I knew why.

Bracing, looking to the outside of the circle, mouth tight, distracted, no harmony

How long do you think? How much patience does it take? Jack, stayed out on that circle for 90 minutes. He probably came in a handful of times, and changed his own direction twice, and nearer the end he broke to walk now and then. But otherwise he just stayed out there……I closed my eyes and assessed him not with my eyes, but with my senses. I could tell when he was bracing to the outside, when he was tense from the sound of his breathing and his footfalls, when he changed……

Lovely positive expression, still have tension in the line, body now curving around the circle

My picture was finally complete with the circle, slack in the rope with no brace, regular breathing and footfalls, stretching through his back and neck with swinging shoulders and neck stretched down, mouth relaxed and ears cocked to me listening and waiting for the signal to come in, and for him to blow out his tension which I waited and waited for even when I had the rest.

Relaxed, head down, even footfalls, no tension in the rope

So often I will circle and not get excellence…..but I will from now! I want my horse to find rhythm and relaxation in every thing we do, so that we can climb the ladder of success and he can know I will nurture the relationship and ensure I will always put him first. I am starting to realise the importance of what we are told…..no matter how long it takes. So I didn’t get much fun today, but I think I learned a very valuable lesson, and I realised how much my horse needs to be able to find relaxation. I hope this is another breakthrough for us, so we can move further away from the place of stress that he can still get to so quickly. If he truly learns how to find relaxation, then before long he will find it quickly and in the end seek it, rather than going towards his RB behaviour which he is prone to do.

A RENEWED NORMALITY

Lisa Trowse said After a wonderful three days at the GOC course with Linda Parelli, I was pleased to finally have my first 'normal' day with Jack after our return from Fast Track. He is now settled nicely in the herd and is used to coming into the stable. We have made it a sweet spot bringing him to it daily for a feed, having no other expectations, giving him scratches and turning him back out.

Today he spotted me when I got to the gate, and although he didn't meet me there, he wandered up to me as I walked down to him, he was of course at the furthest point away in the field! Took him to the stable and he seemed happy to be out of the heat. His new stable is really well insulated and is lovely and cool. Whilst I groomed and checked him over, he dozed and so I sat with him whilst he caught forty winks. It was just nice to see him totally relaxed.

When he woke, I decided to show him around the new school. He was curious rather than scared and just took it slow. We wandered around playing touch it, and in the school we explored all the corners from both sides. He took a lot of interest as we went round. Then it was time to play. Really pleased my naughty LBE came out to play. He was cheeky and a bit sweet on the gate, but it was nice to be playing again.

Josette turned up and had a bit of a play. She saw a different side of jack today that she has seen before and I had to smile as he quickly changed direction when he was supposed to be maintaining gait, and when asked to change direction, he shot past.....he is so naughty!! Josette had a jumping lesson booked so couldn't play long. I played with him trying to be particular about my circles. Managed a good six laps with him focused on me rather than the outside and we quit.

Yay we are back ;0)

GAME OF CONTACT WITH LINDA PARELLI

What an amazing day at the UK GOC course. Classroom and theory this morning including simulations. Then horses and watching the riders put it all into practice this afternoon. The weather held out for us too. I have learned so much I think my head is going to explode. Taken down loads of information.

Linda is just such a wonderful teacher and puts everything into simple terms, even when it is quite a complex action. It is broken down and spoon fed, so that you can understand it and suddenly it doesn't seem to be out of reach to people like me who can struggle, as I have to work at things, they are not natural for me.

The horses made changes even through such a short space of time, and the calm and relaxation found was inspiring. Wow wow wow. Can't wait for tomorrow.

In addition it was lovely to catch up with so many people and put faces to names from PC. Had a number of people say hello who had read my fast track blog. How cool is that? Off to grab some food now. Nursing a rotten cold and need to feed it, that is my excuse anyway!

JACK MEETS HIS NEW HERD

Lisa Trowse said Well I bit the bullet today so to speak. No point in putting it off. I took jack out into the large field and let him go. The herd spotted him and what followed was quite harrowing. One good thing was when they chased him, he was faster than all of them by a long shot. I had to just cringe as he turned and out in challenges. I had had a chat with him beforehand and asked him to not be too dominant but he didn't listen.

There were squeals, at times there were lots of teeth and hooves flailing, and then it seemed to calm down. He picked up one litle follower who was obviously low in the pecking order, and then for subsequent challenges he picked up more confidence to stand ground. Very very interesting to watch the seven games really unfold before my eyes. If my horse wasn't being integrated I would have enjoyed it, as it was fascinating.

After a couple of hours it was more or less back to normal. When I left he was grazing in a little clic of four. With the rest of the herd nearby. Jack will be sleeping outside at night for the first time, and is now officially out until the winter. My heart is now back in my chest and I am really glad I took the step. Even though he had a difficult afternoon, he is now chilled and I am sure he will love herd life. As for me, I need a glass of wine, and tomorrow for the first time in five weeks I am going to have a lay in :0)