REFLECTIONS

This year has flown by.  After my reflections six months ago, I have reaffirmed my belief that the life of an instructor is not one that I can follow.  It takes strength to say 'I am not good enough' and be happy with it. I am not a failure, though it is something I had to look at and reject.  I am just not a spring chicken anymore and was not financially born with a golden spoon! Both Jack and I have been beset by illness this year.  Firstly, Jack had a respiratory infection in May. This was minor in nature, but we had to slow things down. At the same time I was diagnosed with bursitis in my hip joint. This is a very painful condition that is usually chronic.  Jack then once again fell ill a few weeks ago.  This for me was quite life affirming.  I thought that my beautiful golden orange friend was going to leave me.  I have experienced a lot of loss in my life but this was the most scary feeling that I have ever faced.  I love my friends and my family, but this horse has helped me find myself. He has always been my mirror of my emotions and who I truly was. Not the facade so many see on a daily basis.  He was this frightened, hurt, abused creature that would trust no one, let no one near enough to cause him harm.  He was also gentle, desperate to be loved and cared for, but too scared to take the step to let anyone in as that may betray a weakness.  He was me. And as I learned to love and trust him, he learned to return that love and trust.  He is the reason I get up every day. He puts the smile on my face, and he has also shown me that it is ok to let others in.  That if you are open you can find people who care and who are worthy to be called friends (you know who you are). Jack appears to be fully recovered now, and I have had time to reflect.  I am making some lifestyle changes which will include more time with him.  This would have been the main obstacle if I took the road to become a professional.  Jack would have at some stage been left behind and that is not acceptable to me.  He is the reason I am making this journey and therefore that road is not one I wish to follow.  There are many other paths to take, many of which will fulfil me just the same, and that we can do together. We have lots of goals ahead.  We have crossed the bridge into our first dressage competition and there will be so many more.  We have  plans to get out and about to see new places, to learn and to grow.  Who better to share that with, than my best friend. He has changed almost unrecognisably this last year. He is confident and happy in most situations. He is enjoying life, and feels safe no matter where we are as long as I am around. Quite frankly I feel the same. How lucky am I that we have each other!