Tuesday 16 October 2012
REFLECTIONS
This year has flown by. After my reflections six months ago, I have reaffirmed my belief that the life of an instructor is not one that I can follow. It takes strength to say 'I am not good enough' and be happy with it. I am not a failure, though it is something I had to look at and reject. I am just not a spring chicken anymore and was not financially born with a golden spoon!
Both Jack and I have been beset by illness this year. Firstly, Jack had a respiratory infection in May. This was minor in nature, but we had to slow things down. At the same time I was diagnosed with bursitis in my hip joint. This is a very painful condition that is usually chronic. Jack then once again fell ill a few weeks ago. This for me was quite life affirming. I thought that my beautiful golden orange friend was going to leave me. I have experienced a lot of loss in my life but this was the most scary feeling that I have ever faced. I love my friends and my family, but this horse has helped me find myself. He has always been my mirror of my emotions and who I truly was. Not the facade so many see on a daily basis. He was this frightened, hurt, abused creature that would trust no one, let no one near enough to cause him harm. He was also gentle, desperate to be loved and cared for, but too scared to take the step to let anyone in as that may betray a weakness. He was me. And as I learned to love and trust him, he learned to return that love and trust. He is the reason I get up every day. He puts the smile on my face, and he has also shown me that it is ok to let others in. That if you are open you can find people who care and who are worthy to be called friends (you know who you are).
Jack appears to be fully recovered now, and I have had time to reflect. I am making some lifestyle changes which will include more time with him. This would have been the main obstacle if I took the road to become a professional. Jack would have at some stage been left behind and that is not acceptable to me. He is the reason I am making this journey and therefore that road is not one I wish to follow. There are many other paths to take, many of which will fulfil me just the same, and that we can do together.
We have lots of goals ahead. We have crossed the bridge into our first dressage competition and there will be so many more. We have
plans to get out and about to see new places, to learn and to grow. Who better to share that with, than my best friend. He has changed almost unrecognisably this last year. He is confident and happy in most situations. He is enjoying life, and feels safe no matter where we are as long as I am around. Quite frankly I feel the same. How lucky am I that we have each other!
Friday 20 April 2012
DIFFERENT BRANCHES IN THE ROAD
A journey has different branches in the road
As the date approaches when I was supposed to be going on my 1* instructors course, I am reflecting on how I feel. At first when I found out that the prerequisites had changed, I felt a wealth of emotions and not all of them positive. Confused, let down, angry, defeated were but some. It wasn't until later and I made the decision to pull out for this year, that I felt a cloud of pressure lift off me and felt relief, and an inner peace that this is just not the right time.
The last few months have been on fast forward. I must do this, I must do that. Not only towards the instructors but also with getting jack used to new environments, getting us both out and used to the horsebox, having my lessons with biomechanics and working on riding improvements and my finesse, getting my online audition in the bag. All alongside working, running a home, and supporting my family.
Suddenly I could slow down a little, and put my relationship with Jack back where it should be. As the fog cleared I realised that I have been pushing Jack and he had become more distant, and he wasn't the only casualty of my direct line. My poor husband hadn't seen me apart from a grumpy one hour of each day if he was lucky. I stopped making so many efforts to spend time or see my children, and I had had no time for friends or some social life.
Over the last couple of weeks Jack and I are progressing again and he is offering so much more because I am asking. Time is still in short supply but I am making efforts to be in touch with people and if I get invites out, I go, whereas I had gone a bit reclusive. I am rethinking what to do about work. I need to have more time for me and I wish to reduce my hours, but it needs to be balanced and I am not going to rush into anything.
Jack and I are now going out to new environments and as I become less frantic and time pressured, he becomes calmer and more responsive. I am obviously a better herd leader that way. I find people still come to me for help and advice, and no matter what qualification I have, if any, that will still happen. I must be doing something right, because people listen to my knowledge and allow me to help them with their horses. That won't change. Most Importantly, the horses look to me, and I love getting results with horses that before I lay my hands on them, are pushy, or lack manners, or have fear issues. That won't change either.
I still have the opportunity to follow this path, and just wait another year or even two if that is what it takes. Or maybe as I travel along my journey, it may branch into a different direction altogether. Who knows? What I am sure of, is that I made the right decision, and that the time for me is not there yet. Jack is happy and I have plans to do some things with him and some without, to ensure I keep my life in the balance that it should be. So on Monday when the new instructors are sitting in the classroom ready to take the next leg of their adventure, I wish them well with a smile in my heart, and maybe one day, just maybe it will be my turn. Or maybe, we will just continue to be an inspiration for others to show just how good your relationship can be when you take the time it takes.
As the date approaches when I was supposed to be going on my 1* instructors course, I am reflecting on how I feel. At first when I found out that the prerequisites had changed, I felt a wealth of emotions and not all of them positive. Confused, let down, angry, defeated were but some. It wasn't until later and I made the decision to pull out for this year, that I felt a cloud of pressure lift off me and felt relief, and an inner peace that this is just not the right time.
The last few months have been on fast forward. I must do this, I must do that. Not only towards the instructors but also with getting jack used to new environments, getting us both out and used to the horsebox, having my lessons with biomechanics and working on riding improvements and my finesse, getting my online audition in the bag. All alongside working, running a home, and supporting my family.
Suddenly I could slow down a little, and put my relationship with Jack back where it should be. As the fog cleared I realised that I have been pushing Jack and he had become more distant, and he wasn't the only casualty of my direct line. My poor husband hadn't seen me apart from a grumpy one hour of each day if he was lucky. I stopped making so many efforts to spend time or see my children, and I had had no time for friends or some social life.
Over the last couple of weeks Jack and I are progressing again and he is offering so much more because I am asking. Time is still in short supply but I am making efforts to be in touch with people and if I get invites out, I go, whereas I had gone a bit reclusive. I am rethinking what to do about work. I need to have more time for me and I wish to reduce my hours, but it needs to be balanced and I am not going to rush into anything.
Jack and I are now going out to new environments and as I become less frantic and time pressured, he becomes calmer and more responsive. I am obviously a better herd leader that way. I find people still come to me for help and advice, and no matter what qualification I have, if any, that will still happen. I must be doing something right, because people listen to my knowledge and allow me to help them with their horses. That won't change. Most Importantly, the horses look to me, and I love getting results with horses that before I lay my hands on them, are pushy, or lack manners, or have fear issues. That won't change either.
I still have the opportunity to follow this path, and just wait another year or even two if that is what it takes. Or maybe as I travel along my journey, it may branch into a different direction altogether. Who knows? What I am sure of, is that I made the right decision, and that the time for me is not there yet. Jack is happy and I have plans to do some things with him and some without, to ensure I keep my life in the balance that it should be. So on Monday when the new instructors are sitting in the classroom ready to take the next leg of their adventure, I wish them well with a smile in my heart, and maybe one day, just maybe it will be my turn. Or maybe, we will just continue to be an inspiration for others to show just how good your relationship can be when you take the time it takes.
Monday 5 March 2012
Moving forward......
It has been a long time since I have needed to write a personal blog due to my daily updates on Parelli Connect and my contributions to Parelli Central. However, it has been a while since I visited my personal space about my aspirations.....
The last few months have been quite a trial. Juggling family, work and of course my needs to achieve a dream of a career with horses. Not to mention to keep striving for improvement in my partnership with Jack, who has no room for inept humans that can't keep up with his endless energy.
After Fast Track last year, it opened a can of worms inside me that I had never addressed. I am very rightly a right brained extrovert just like the lovely
Jack, but I have never truly tried to understand myself let alone my wealth of emotions. When I started to look at my life and how certain things got in my way due to the barriers I placed myself things started to fall down. I stopped coping and I just about held it together in the 'real world'. When the doors closed I fell apart and through persuasion I sought professional help.
I have to admit I never thought psychotherapy would be for 'normal' people. I never knew how cleansing it would be to talk about my childhood, my alcoholic mother, the years of abuse from my step father, how I felt when my mum committed suicide, to name but a few of my trials ...... How it made me realise I didn't always have to be strong, how I didn't have to people please all the time, to have friends and be liked. It helped me find an inner strength and to push forward to grab what I want, be a little bit selfish every now and then, and of course aim high for my goal and be happy to chase my dream.
I am now at a threshold. I told Ian my husband that this is what I wanted and he was either with me, or I would stride out on my own. To have the confidence to say this, was an eye opener for me. It isn't that I don't place value on my marriage, but I needed to know he was behind me all the way. Of course he was, why did I ever doubt it?
So already this year I have signed up and committed a large sum of money, or rather credit, to become an instructor. I also invested in a horse box. One of the few items that I didn't own, but I needed to get over the obstacle of Jack loading, or rather not loading. In a short time we are making good progress. I also need to get my level three. So I have started to progress my riding with True and Josette so that I can have the nerve to jump again. That freestyle audition will happen! Liberty is where Jack and I shine so that is no problem. I am in the midst of my online audition but we both have a bit of stage fright, but we have a few weeks to get there.
In the words of my husband....'I am so glad you have had Jack, he makes you so happy'.......how lucky am I to have found such a special partner....or should I say partners? Sometimes you need to dust off the old to get on with the new....
The last few months have been quite a trial. Juggling family, work and of course my needs to achieve a dream of a career with horses. Not to mention to keep striving for improvement in my partnership with Jack, who has no room for inept humans that can't keep up with his endless energy.
After Fast Track last year, it opened a can of worms inside me that I had never addressed. I am very rightly a right brained extrovert just like the lovely
Jack, but I have never truly tried to understand myself let alone my wealth of emotions. When I started to look at my life and how certain things got in my way due to the barriers I placed myself things started to fall down. I stopped coping and I just about held it together in the 'real world'. When the doors closed I fell apart and through persuasion I sought professional help.
I have to admit I never thought psychotherapy would be for 'normal' people. I never knew how cleansing it would be to talk about my childhood, my alcoholic mother, the years of abuse from my step father, how I felt when my mum committed suicide, to name but a few of my trials ...... How it made me realise I didn't always have to be strong, how I didn't have to people please all the time, to have friends and be liked. It helped me find an inner strength and to push forward to grab what I want, be a little bit selfish every now and then, and of course aim high for my goal and be happy to chase my dream.
I am now at a threshold. I told Ian my husband that this is what I wanted and he was either with me, or I would stride out on my own. To have the confidence to say this, was an eye opener for me. It isn't that I don't place value on my marriage, but I needed to know he was behind me all the way. Of course he was, why did I ever doubt it?
So already this year I have signed up and committed a large sum of money, or rather credit, to become an instructor. I also invested in a horse box. One of the few items that I didn't own, but I needed to get over the obstacle of Jack loading, or rather not loading. In a short time we are making good progress. I also need to get my level three. So I have started to progress my riding with True and Josette so that I can have the nerve to jump again. That freestyle audition will happen! Liberty is where Jack and I shine so that is no problem. I am in the midst of my online audition but we both have a bit of stage fright, but we have a few weeks to get there.
In the words of my husband....'I am so glad you have had Jack, he makes you so happy'.......how lucky am I to have found such a special partner....or should I say partners? Sometimes you need to dust off the old to get on with the new....
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